Nine Billion Miles From Earth is a classic side scrolling space shooter with
50's sci-fi style (very
Flash Gordon). The attention to detail throughout is tremendously exciting, with
visible strings holding up most of the spaceships you encounter, and spot-on full motion video of the hero and his nemesis Dr. Cadmus. However, there are a lot of non-spaceship foes like balloon poodles and invincible space sharks that are a little too silly for the generally straight genre humor.
The gameplay itself can be a little frustrating. It's an exercise in patience as you spend
life after life (you have unlimited) learning the enemy's attack patterns. There are nine levels in all (each one a billion miles) and it'll take about 45 minutes to play through 'em. It's definitely worth it to see all the great design work.
VERDICT: Well-designed and kinda fun! 4 out of 5 STARS!Four more quick reviews after the jump!
Bible Fight is a fighting game with an all-star cast: Eve, Noah, Moses, Mary (complete with Baby Jesus), Satan, and adult Jesus. They and their corresponding stages are so beautifully rendered that the game is worth playing just to see them all in action. Once you've gotten an eyeful, though, there's not much to stick around for.
There's a reason there have never been any decent fighting games for the PC: keyboards are teh suck for controlling a game that requires quick reflexes and complicated button combinations to pull off special moves. If I had a gamepad I might feel differently about this game, but as it is... Most special moves are impossible to pull off with any useful consistency. Which isn't so bad when you give up and realize how effective it is to just trap your opponent in a corner and tap the kick button as rapidly as you can.
VERDICT: Beautiful, but gameplay's rotten. 2 out of 5 STARS!
5 Minutes to Kill Yourself is a really great concept. A dark twist on Office Space, this game finds you controlling a nine-to-fiver who has sat through one too many meetings and would rather kill himself than attend the one that starts IN FIVE MINUTES! You frantically run around an isometric pixel-arty office harming yourself any way you can: shoving your face in a paper shredder, stabbing yourself with scissors, blowing up the microwave in your face, eating urinal cakes, etc etc etc. You can also pick fights with coworkers by navigating dialogue trees trying to offend them.
It's really a blast to discover fun new ways to harm yourself. It won't take long to exhaust all these methods, however, and unless you care about beating your own high score there's no reason to keep playing. It doesn't help that the game generally doesn't run very smoothly, doesn't look great in action, and is a real pain in the ass to navigate. The perspective from which you view the action means that up moves you up-right, right moves you down-right, etc etc. I kinda got used to it after a while, but my non-gamer girlfriend never could get it straight.
VERDICT: Great in concept, a little unpleasant in execution. 3 out of 5 STARS!
Look Alive! should be called "Look Out! Avoid This Game!" It's a simple clicking game based on the funny funny Home Movies. You play as Brendon, trying to kick sockerballs at other kids while Coach McGuirk talks your ear off. The dialogue is funny, but not enough to endure the uninspired, deadening gameplay. Would be more at home on a banner ad.
VERDICT: Boring and boring. 1 out of 5 STARS!
Squidbillies Floor It! is a simple game that's easy to play and extremely addictive. You start out in a car, where you shake your mouse to rev the engine and click to race ahead. You don't get far before you hit a stump and Early shoots out the windshield and high into the air. The game becomes about bouncing off objects on the ground, creating explosions and propelling yourself as far as possible.
The backgrounds are beautifully hand-painted and the character art is straight out of the show. It feels surprisingly good to fly through the air, barely controlling your trajectory. There's some dialogue that is kinda funny but gets repetitive.
VERDICT: Novel, attractive, addictive! 5 out of 5 STARS!
Play all these games at ADULT SWIM DOT COM.
Yesterday I donned my ninja gear and snuck into Cartoon Network and Adult Swim's headquarters with my spy camera in tow to bring you back a gaggle of photos. I had to silence an unfortunate amount of hapless cartoonists to get out alive, but as Grandpa Witwicky always said, "No sacrifice, no pictures of corporate offices." So without further ado, your ninja tour of Cartoon Network:
After exerting a lot of ninja energy on sneaking in, I was greeted at the door by these two charming children, who said they would show me around and introduce me to everyone.
I was having fun, but I was worried I wouldn't be able to sneak anywhere sneak-worthy with these tag-alongs so I shook 'em and struck out on my own to do some snooping.
First stop, Designer's Room, where I was sure I could unearth some unknown treasure...
And sure enough I did! The first look at the cover art for the upcoming Harvey Birdman game!
I poked around in some animator's offices, but nothing scandalous revealed itself to me.
I decided it was time to move on to Adult Swim, and took the elevator to...
...the undergound tunnel which ran alongside the studios where unspeakable things are said to happen.
I came up from the depths and was greeted by a decapitated cartoon serving as an ominous warning to any who would dare enter this sanctuary of the damned. I swallowed my fear and braved onward.
The hallway was littered with the bodies of ill-fated adventurers, some hanging from their necks, others frozen in carbonite:
I could only hope I possessed a cunning they lacked.
I passed a particular office that I recalled from legend: When a hapless minion left for a vacation, his co-workers lined his windows with trash to create the illusion they had filled it completely. Just the sort of prank you'd expect from the Adult Swim villains, the confirmation of which came with an added realization: If this is how they treat one of their own, what will happen to me if I'm caught?
I tiptoed into the conference room, where plans for some sort of ultimate music service [weapon] had been scribbled on the board. I couldn't deduce how a drawing of Earthworm Jim and a list of great video games factored into the equation, but you can click the picture to get a big version you can scrutinize for yourself.
As I entered the playroom, the doorway slammed shut behind me and I was met with silence. A deathly silence. I feared I had stumbled into a trap!
And I was right! Robo-Security fell from the ceiling and surrounded me. A familiar voice came over the P.A.:
"Oh, Albo, you're so predictable! Everything has proceeded exactly as I have foreseen it, and now you're in my trap, from which you will never emerge... Alive! Gahahahahaaaa!" It was my old nemesis Merrill Hagan, writer for Adult Swim dot com as well as some comics including a Wrecking Crew story for the soon-to-be-relaunched Marvel Comics Presents. Also an evil mastermind. Thankfully I had packed my ninja EMP that day, so I used it to disable the Robo-Security from which I harvested two energy cores which I polarized to opposing charges using an electromagnet I ripped from the microwave in the corner and then thrust the cores together at the reinforced key panel keeping the door locked, whereupon they created a small but powerful reaction as they repelled each other with atomic force, compromising the integrity of the panel enough for me to pry the cover off with a ping-pong paddle and reroute the signal wires making any button combination capable of opening the doors, including F-Y-O-U, which I typed before darting out the door, smiling to myself over Hagan's screams.
