The 10 Least Practical Superpowers

Who among us hasn't, at some point in their life, tried to bargain for super powers with whatever higher power they prefer. God, god, Allah, Vishnu, Xenu, Rama Kushna, a young George Lucas; you name it, some geek has prayed to it. Come on, don't act like I'm the crazy one here. And in the course of said bargaining, we've all come to the point where we say, "I don't need to be Superman-just give me ONE power!" Well, this post is dedicated to whichever lucky nerd out there gets his or her prayers answered... You don't want to be caught unawares and end up with some stinker of a power all because you were caught in the sway of its superficial coolness.

To that end, this list is, BY NO MEANS, a list of "lame" super powers. In fact, these might be some of the coolest superpowers out there. BUT, I'm judging these powers' practicality based on one's ability to immediately go out there and start "making a difference." How useful would any of these powers be when fighting actual crime, or helping actual people? Because, were any self-respecting geek lucky enough to be granted a super power, he or she is gonna run straight home, drape a bath towel over his or her shoulders, and dive straight into action! Would we have any other choice? Years of black and white comic book morality have left us emotionally crippled-I don't think we'd even be able to think of any other use for a super power. Anyway, read on to be sure you're any actual use to human kind once you've been chosen to defend it.

10: Flight

Though probably the most practical in a real world setting-who wouldn't jump at the chance to fly like the eagle and be forever exempt from layovers in Denver-flight, however, is not a great solo power in the world of costumed crime fighting. It would make for easy getaways, and I guess you could scout ahead; but what would you actually do to fight crime? Drop rocks? Hock a loogie? And you'd probably be as easy to hit as a low level duck in Duck Hunt [insert sound effect of that evil 8-bit dog laughter]. And imagine being in a super hero team fighting some sort of sinister alien menace or cybernetic demon... all your buddies will be in the fray while you flutter around and watch helplessly, hoping that you don't get swatted by a stray piece of urban demolition. There's a reason this power is always a compliment, and rarely the sole power... just look at the lamest character on Heroes (and that's saying something), Nathan Petrelli.

*UPDATE* To address the dissenters who argue that this power would be useful in a fight, I ask this: who says you can suddenly pick up people willy nilly just cause you can fly? You don't have super strength; so unless you are currently strong enough to lift a 200 lb. mugger with ease, I don't know why you think you could do it while hovering a few feet off the ground. Yes, you could probably save children and particularly light damsels in distress... otherwise, good luck trying to lift that flailing-with-a-knife lunatic outside the 7-11.

9: Invisibility

The second half of the classic philosophical dilemma: invisibility or flight? (obviously flight) Invisibility is another one of those powers that has a plethora of real world applications (almost all sinister) but isn't much good in the crime fighting department. Sure, you could spy on potential wrong-doers, but you couldn't do a lot more unless you back it up with some crazy karate skills or something. Upon closer speculation, it gets even grimmer. Best case scenario-you can turn your clothes invisible and you're stuck holding your breath and tiptoeing around killers and creeps.... worse case scenario, you're stuck covering your junk, and hoping no one bumps into your translucent, naked ass. Also, you're pretty limited to warmer climes.

8: Talking to Sea Animals
(or any animals really)

I feel bad about this one. Aquaman already catches enough crap from people who don't respect the King of the Sea... but really, talking to sea animals isn't gonna do you much good. The comics have us believe that there is an abundance of giant squid and blue whales; but really you'd be spending most of your time chatting with tuna and scad. And unless you're battling Somali pirates, the vast majority of crime takes place on land. And even if you could chat with land animals, in actuality you'd be mostly talking to the bottom of the food chain. Its not like there are bears and lions casually patrolling the streets waiting for your commands. Hope you know how to work with squirrels and pigeons, buddy.

7: Uncontrollable Monster Form

This one's kind of a "no duh" case; but it's still a common enough power that needs to be addressed. Sure, as a rampaging beast of a man, you could probably stop a whole lotta crime. You could also accidentally level a city street, squash a few misunderstanding cops, and kill your loved ones with an overzealous hug. If you were able to maintain your own consciousness, then obviously this one would be a winner. But if you give up control to the reptilian parts of your brain, then your alter ego is bound to be more of a villain than a hero. Also, the replacement wardrobe costs would bankrupt you.

6: Super Senses

Unless they're backed up by Daredevil's radar sense, super senses make you little more than a super stalker. You can listen to people have sex a mile away and try to check out some girl's butt (of course all you'll see are bones), but you really can't do much to fight crime. I suppose you could be some sort of Super Snitch, just listening to people plan crimes; but you'll probably spend most of your life sucking down aspirin for all the super migraines.

5: Any sort of Power Blasts
(laser eyes, laser fists, etc)

We have now exited the useless-in-the-field portion of the list, and entered the walking-death-factory stretch of the list. Power blasts are cool, and really useful when fighting robots and other invulnerable super beings; BUT not so great when fighting your standard crime. We all know that a stray blast from Cyclops' eyes can demolish a steel and concrete wall. Well, imagine that same blast making contact with the fragile, waterballoon-stuffed-with-organs that is your typical bank robber: Boom! People confetti. So unless you're looking to haphazardly explode people like so many cut scenes from District 9, Power Blasts won't get you much further than a jail cell (specially designed to hold you of course).

4: Sonic Scream

Another power that is great on 3-color-printed paper, but not so much in practice is the popular Sonic Scream-which has been relegated almost solely to female characters for some offensive reason I'm sure. However, it's hard to imagine any situation where this power doesn't just burst everyones' ear drums within a 5 block radius. Unless you plan on handing out ear plugs to all potential victims before any crime occurs, you're going to spend most of your costumed career being scorned for deafening an entire populace for a few purse snatchers and a car jacker.

3: Pyrokinesis/Self-Combustion
(e.g. The Human Torch)

Fire's totally awesome! And the thought of being enveloped in living flame while being unscathed is equally awesome. Plus, you can fly! Bonus awesome! Too bad you'll be responsible for the burn ward overflow at all the area hospitals. You probably couldn't even get close to anyone, victim or aggressor, without melting flesh from bones. Extra minus: do you know any super smart, stretchy guys who can manufacture your clothing from unstable molecules? No? Well, then you'll have to find someplace warm and private every time you "flame off," cause you'll be spending alot of time naked... and alot of money replacing charred jeans.

2: Adamantium Claws

This might be one of the most popular of all time... naturally thanks to one of the arguably baddest assest superheroes of all time. But let's be honest, the claws aren't what makes the mutant; it's his healing factor. That's why Wolverine is the workhorse of the X-Men, the claws are just the garnish. Also, when not coupled with a healing factor, they can be more trouble than they're worth (as this video clearly demonstrates). Even if we can ignore the massive amounts of personal blood loss, you basically just have 6 deadly knives attached to your hands. You can go out, right now, and try to fight crime with a knife in both hands, and you're practically there... and there wouldn't be too good. You're either eviscerating muggers and landing in jail, or you're just gonna get shot. Either way, the style points don't make up for the all the blood loss and severed digits.

1: Trust Fund and Anger Issues

This last one isn't so much a power, as it is a successful formula for superhero makings. It works great in the comics! Bruce Wayne, Tony Stark, Oliver Queen, Ted Kord, Danny Rand, whatever Moon Knight's name is (I won't even bother looking it up)... all turned out great thanks to their money and various emotional problems! Why is this not a practical "power"? Because it actually exists! And we don't have a single super hero! You're telling me, out of all the thousands of spoiled rich kids with rage issues, not a one of them bothered to dedicate their life and wealth to fighting crime? This isn't a formula for nigh-invincible, robot armor; so much as it is a recipe for date rape. Wealth and emotional problems are wasted on the rich and emotionally disturbed.

So that's my list of impractical super powers. I look forward to any arguments you may pose... as I'm sure you're all straining your brains to think of practical crime-fighting applications for these stinkers. Either way, when you do get that one wish from a genie, make sure you think long and hard about the power you choose. May I suggest super speed or a green lantern ring?

2008 Dog Costume Contest at Tompkins Square

I wanted to go to this event so badly, but unforutnately the rain date conflicted with the zombie crawl. Cute doggies, or gross zombies? TORN!

So I had to delve into the Flickr pages of strangers to get my dog costume fix. Here are some of the best geek-themed costumes, found on the Flickr pages of jeanacosta, katya323, and mysuspira.


We'll kick things off with my favorite, Oscar the Grouch. Simple, yet effective and brilliant! And I'm sure that dye is non-toxic.

This is a puppy from the planet Earth, but it's dressed up as an Ewok from the planet Endor. Ladies and gentlemen, that does not make sense.

Krypto, Link, The Joker, and more, after the jump!


Supergirl and Krypto, the Superdog.


I'm pretty sure this is Link, not Robin Hood.



Even dogs want to get in on the hottest costume of the year, The Joker! That little dog in the background is like, "iz harley quin?" and joker dog is all, "NO WAI".


Green Doggie Dye must have been on sale this year...here's a little Dagobah-era Yoda puppy.

These next two dog's owners should be sent to the PUNitentiary...



A "Greyhound" bus...


And a "Chick" Magnet. Wa wa waa!


And then there's this little guy, who seems to be saying, "OK, whar is judge table pleez?"

If you're going to dress your pet up in a nerd-related costume, please please send us a picture so we can laugh at it. In a nice way.

Photos: Superhero Fashion at the Metropolitan Museum

I hit up a press preview of the Metropolitan Museum of Art's newest special exhibit, Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy. The exhibit features a variety of, how do you say, costume pieces?Originally intended to show off existing and prototype clothing/bodywear that is designed to actually enhance one's physical abilities, the works became an exploration of the symbolism and metaphor inherent in superheroes, and experimentation with those symbols and iconography surrounding superheroes. To sum it up, a bunch of famous designers created works based in some part on existing superheros' costumes.

Some of them are very crazy-runway fashion-y, but there are also some really interesting costumes that play with the basics behind hero costumes. I took a bunch of pictures for you guys to preview before you drop by. They're more runway than they are utilitarian (designed by the likes of Dolce and Armani), but they do give an interesting insight into the way different kinds of hero costumes are designed.

Takes on Superman, Spider-Man, The Flash and more after the jump....


Sponsored by Armani, who was onhand to give a little speech all in Italian. I left those pictures out, since he was wearing a suit that didn't include emblems, armor, spandex, or a cape of any kind.

First on the list was of course, Superman. The designers did a bit more playing around with the iconography of Supe's than re-imagining his costume, but Alex Ross in the background is a nice touch. They also had the original Supes movie costumes on display with a ghosting effect that transformed the mannequin wearing the costumes from Superman back to Clark Kent. Unfortunately the way it was set up taking photos didn't really work very well.

Here's a little taste of the Spider-man area. Most of these outfits were various evening gowns with hints of webs in them. Personally I found them pretty boring in terms of exploring Spidey's costume. Taking one of the most iconic costumes in comics and parsing it down to webs on a dress isn't really that interesting.


These lycra/spandex suits are actually speed suits, designed to help athletes move faster, specifically speed skaters or runners. As you can see by the backdrop, they are Flash inspired. This was the stuff I found pretty cool, as they were designing costumes that had real life applications and were still a throwback to comics.

A couple of flying suits, including a glider suit (back) and glider wings equipped with twin turbine engines capable of generating enough thrust to propel a person through the air. They can both actually be used and do work at what they do, which is let you move freely through the air (though I believe parachutes are required when one actually goes to land).

The original costume worn my Lynda Carter for the Wonder Woman series. They split the heroes up into archetypes, armored, mutant, speed, patriotic, etc. This is the centerpiece of the patriotic section.

I actually really enjoyed these two costumes in the Patriotic display. They remind of a lot of Sandman (obviously), and also of the sort of non-costume but still emblematic Starman.

The "mutant" heroes area, which focusing more on clothing that symbolized mutation rather than served any utilitarian purpose, was really gorgeous.

The exhibit touched upon the way that female characters are portrayed primarily as sexual creatures to be viewed by men. A variety of Catwoman inspired costumes played with fetish and revealing clothing. Surprisingly they weren't even that risque compared to a lot of comic book fodder. I'm not going to go into depth here, but their touch on sexism and misogyny in comics was greatly appreciated.


This lady was reporting for Marvel and making all sorts of cheesy jokes in her little snippets. Oh Marvel.com, you and your quirky pink haired reporters.

The "armored" heroes area, showing a variety of "armored costumes" touching on both Iron Man and Batman as examples. That's the actual Iron Man suit used in the movie. I'm pretty sure that costume in front of it was what Witchblade creators originally wanted, until they were told that it hurts to get punched in the boob. (kidding)


I couldn't for the life of me get a clear shot of this costume, but I really like the human bullet motif going on, with the entire top and helmet designed like shell casings and bullets. There was also a female version, and of course I couldn't help but think of the new Bulleteer.


This was one of my favorite designs. It looks like a costume straight out of Batman Beyond, and I really love it. The use of armor-like materials and the big bulky armored arms look really cool, I was really looking for more stuff like this, things that looked like they could almost make their way into the comics.
Also exciting, they had issues of characters first appearances on the wall, actual issues. I've never wanted to steal something from the Met as much as I did right then.

And lastly, maybe the BEST reason to come to this exhibit is the chance to see this:Ladies and Gentlemen, when else are you going to see huge statues of the Big Three in the atrium of the Metropolitan Museum of Art?

That's it for now. If you're interested take your behind over to the Metropolitan Museum of Art where this exhibit will be showing until September 1st.