Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Reel Geek: Top 10 Things Movies Taught Me About Geeks

Every Tuesday, Geekanerd Correspondent Bishop rocks it movie geek style...

Hey there fellows and fellowettes! Today we’re going to talk a little bit about the many things I learned about nerds/geeks from the movies. And by many things, I mean ten. Ten things that I learned about geeks/nerds from the cinema, and the accuracy with which these ten qualities actually apply to real life geeks/nerds. So here they are, in no particular order after the jump:

1. All nerds are sexual deviants/perverts
Accuracy: Probably about 40-50% true

Okay so not all of us are sexually deviant, but I will concede that a large portion of the nerd community consists of teenage boys. And teenage boys are, by default, perverted sexual deviants. From Anthony Michael Hall’s prestigious panty presentation in “16 Candles,” to the panty raid/hidden cameras of “Revenge of the Nerds,” to the dominating antics of Alyson Hannigan in “American Pie,” to the bestiality scene in “Weird Science” (I may be misremembering that last one…) nerds are generally depicted as having an overwhelming sex drive and the desire to hump on just about anything. Now most nerds I’ve met have an average sex drive and no one has ever come out as being a secret fan of German Scat videos or anything, but I can't vouch for the entire community...

2. If we get drunk, we are by default the coolest person at the party
Accuracy: about 0%

There is no doubt that if you are a geek when you enter the party, drinking 7 beers will turn you into – a drunk geek. No geek’s charm has grown magically out of the bottle, unfortunately. Unlike Charlie Korsmo in “Can’t Hardly Wait” or Jonah Hill in “Superbad,” generally you will not find that getting drunk suddenly makes you seem to be a wild and crazy guy that people actually want to hang out with. You may however, find that you are that wobbly and pukey dude that everyone stays away from because he can’t tell that he’s yelling when he tries to talk to you about Blizzard’s next big release.

3. Hot chicks LOVE us
Accuracy: 35%

So apparently, according to movies, hot chicks love nerds, just not right away. There’s something about us that just wins them over eventually. Basically all of the characters in “Superbad” become the apple of a lady’s eye. "Revenge of the Nerds" has a classic scene (albeit basically of rape) where the hot girl falls for the nerd. “American Pie” has Finch and Stiffler’s mom, “Spiderman” has MJ and Peter Parker (it still counts even though it was a comic first), and Anthony Michael Hall and the cheerleader in “16 Candles.” Sure some people really dig that you can name over 100 characters to appear as members of one of the various X-teams, but chances are you aren’t going to be picking up all the lovelies with that info. I know nerds with hot significant others, so I won’t discount this, but let’s be honest, it’s gonna be a rare time when you hear the words “Wow, I never knew I could get so turned on listening to Star Wars trivia!”

Dennis Kucinich and hot wife Elizabeth, proof that hot women love nerds?

4. We are all guys
Accuracy: 50%

Well following that last one, about 95% of the time in movies, nerds, and even moreso, groups of nerds are all men or boys. I have no official tally or percentage of how many female nerds we have out there, but I can tell you there are quite a few. SOMEONE has to be dressing up as Padme and Leia (just kidding ladies). Unfortunately, very few films (“Welcome to the Dollhouse,” “Mean Girls” – Lohan was a nerd to start out with in the movie remember – or perhaps “Sorority Boys”) portray women in the nerd role. I say unfortunately because of the lack of representation, but maybe the ladies are just fine with not having as many examples of how they could be mocked stuck up on screen. Anyway, giving this a 50% accuracy, since yes there are fewer female nerds than there are male ones, but there are a lot more than are portrayed in movies, just ask AHR!

5. Nerds are scared of drugs
Accuracy: 35-40%

While “The Breakfast Club,” “RotN,” and other movies might give you the impression that nerds on average have never seen a drug, plenty of nerds take a toke now and again. The only reason many start later in life is a lack of friends to supply or an extreme fear of humiliating themselves. As with booze, nerds don’t particularly become any cooler using any other drugs. People didn’t care if Hulk could beat up the Emperor before they were high, and they still don’t after. There are a good chunk that are quite clean and want to ensure a high gpa, which is why I left the accuracy a bit higher than not.

6. We are awesome at sex
Truth level: 60%

“Revenge of the Nerds” and “American Pie” would have us believe that we are Gods among men when it comes to coitus. As Louis says in “RotN,” “All jocks ever think about is football. All nerds ever think about is sex.” I doubt that the average nerd is going to be a far superior lover to anyone else, however I will say that if not struggling with crippling social awkwardness and Cheeto hands, Geeks can get girls, and they are REALLY happy to have them, so they’ll go the extra mile. (While we at GAN do not condone Lewis' actions in "Revenge of the Nerds," we do condone dressing up like Darth Vader for sex.)

7. We’re all brilliant
Accuracy: 80%

While “Weird Science” and “Real Genius” really pushed the idea of nerds as super geniuses (not to mention “RotN,” wasn’t there a guy who built a robot servant in that one?) I can say that not everyone who has a box at their local comic shop and a couple Magic: The Gathering starter decks can build a laser out of things they found in their mom’s bathroom. Then again, sometimes you find yourself at home with your roommates having a contest to see who can name the most American presidents, and you realize that, yes, often being a nerd still includes having a hard-on for academia.

8. For every three nerds that congregate, at least one must wear glasses
Accuracy: 90%

Anytime more than 2 nerds are present on screen, glasses must be worn by at least one of the nerds. This applies to all nerd movies, tv shows, commercial appearances, and probably life. I want you to call up two nerd friends tonight to hang out, and if none of you are wearing corrective lenses, either stumbling hilarity will ensue, or you aren’t real nerds. We’ll need to ask you to leave now, this site is for the hardcore geeks.

9. Black people LOVE us
Accuracy: 50%

Man when the white nerdy guy (Asian-Americans also apply) has a beer or smokes a bit and relaxes, black people just can’t get enough of him. At first he seemed uptight and probably afraid, but once we cut away from him for a couple moments, we return to find that he has won over the black guys, because he’s really a cool dude who “gets” them. It really helps if you try to "talk black" as well. This has happened to a couple movie nerds, including Anthony Michael Hall and the boys in “RotN.” Actually, come to think of it, it’s not even just black people that love us in movies, bikers, gang members, cops, really anyone “badass” will love us when we cut loose and relax. Just go with the flow man, chill out, and if that doesn’t work, you can always dance on the bar in platforms to The Champs’ “Tequila!” (Scored at 50% because while this is in no way accurate or an advisable way to interact with people, there really are a bunch of nerd-loving black dudes, but those dudes are also nerds.)

10. We all love Star Wars or Star Trek
Accuracy: 100%

This is completely true. When you enter middle school with your official designation as a nerd you are required to choose a side and vehemently deny the legitimacy of the opposing faction. The only exception to this rule being that you were raised on Ren Faires and exclusively enjoy fiction by George RR Martin and movies about Hobbits.

So that’s it! Everything I learned about nerds from movies, or at least 10 things. All of this information is 100% accurate and true and should be used to guide yourself in daily life. See you next week with another exciting update!


Degan said...

ok, i don't appreciate you airing our dirty laundry on the tubes... that president listing thing happened just the once... we were experimenting. Also, even though i lost, i think i still know more presidential history than the lot of you! ignorant slugs.

Bishop said...

Chill it's cool man, you're with friends. Let's just relax with these black dudes and talk about how Jefferson was a crazy motherfucker.