Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Iron Man Trailer Is Out; The World Asplodes

The trailer for Iron Man is out and the movie doesn't even premiere until May of next year. That's okay though because, like The Butterfly Effect, you pretty much get the gist of the entire story from the preview. After the jump, you'll see that I was able to retell the entire movie, just from the trailer.

****Spoiler Alert****
Chapter One
Imagine the reprise of a bad 90's heavy metal song (in the form of Hey Man, Nice Shot by Filter) thrumming as Anthony Stark (aka A.S.) forges something peculiar at an anvil. The terrorists that have abducted A.S. somewhere in the desert are holding him hostage and have given him one evening to create a missile to serve their evil deeds. But they are dumb and A.S. is a raging beast-genius who will stop at nothing to protect freedom. So instead of creating a projectile of doom, A.S. forges an indestructible suit of awesomeness... and thus, Iron Man is born!

The next day, as the freedom haters arrived, A.S. seethed in his underground chamber of a prison, awaiting to unveil his most surprising creation...

"Just open the fucking cave!" A.S. snarled.

And they did... cue Black Sabbath remix... only to be accosted by this...

Iron Man version 1.0

At once, the bad-ass heavy metal music erupted and gunshots flew in vain at A.S. only to be thwarted by his adamantine attire. A fiery inferno that projected from A.S.'s palms engulfed the feeble terrorists as they squirmed in an early decided purgatory.

"I am Iron Man!" He bellowed in a metallic Arnold Schwarzenegger-esque voice, "I am ultra-powerful, son!"

Then all was quiet on the Middle Eastern front...

...the war was finished, A.S. the victor...

...and peace and freedom once again reigned over the evils of Marxist communism and Buddhist fundamentalism.

Yes, dear readers, A.S. was [and is] that amazing. Even the boys in Iraq had massive man-crushes on A.S. and wanted to throw their panties at him... and seeing how A.S. never disappointed his fans, he acquiesced happily.

Eating good in the neighborhood.

Back home, he was the King of Awesome Town. He was showered with attention from crazy fans, all of whom he accepted warmly.

A.S. getting his groove on.

Chapter Two
But years passed. A.S. got bored. At A.S.'s tenth annual O.M.G.W.T.F.R.O.F.L.B.Y.O.B.B.B.Q., he found himself staring at his medium-rare fillet mignon in deep reflection. The flavor of life was slipping from his jaded taste buds, PTS from the cave abduction haunted his thoughts and General Hospital still aired on IPTV. The same emotions that caused Howard Hughes to build the Spruce Goose and Richard Branson to become a balloonist pierced his soul. At that moment, A.S. knew what he had to do.

He spent countless sleepless nights creating new and improved versions of his Iron Man suit, not because it was something he had to do, but because it was something to do. As he neared a refined prototype (red metal pecs included), he decided that becoming a vigilante with his creation would be pretty cool too.

Iron Man v.9.R - The "R" is for Radical

Finally, A.S.'s life was complete. The world slowly stopped spinning and evil ninja bandits running around in Staten Island were scared straight.

The End.

PS - Where's Brad Neely when you need him?


Bishop said...

Best explanation of a movie ever.

AHR said...

At A.S.'s tenth annual O.M.G.W.T.F.R.O.F.L.B.Y.O.B.B.B.Q., he found himself staring at his medium-rare fillet mignon in deep reflection.


Johnny said...

Now you guys don't need to spend eleven bucks at the movie theater next May.