Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Battlestar Flashback! My Crazy Guesses for the Final Five


I'm well aware that all self-respecting sci-fi fans have already watched Battlestar Galactica in it's entirety, but I've only just reached the end of the third season. My laziness is your gain, because I will now guess the identities of the heavily promoted FINAL FIVE cylons, and you will be able to laugh at my stupidity, or in a less likely scenario, marvel at my near-prophetic intuition.

NUMBER ONE DRAFT PIX after the jump (with MAJOR SEASON 4 SPOILERS, obvs...)



Full disclosure: I have already been spoilered on the point that Starbuck is at least SORT of a Cylon, so I'll assume she counts as one of the final five. So I'm really only guessing the identities of four Cylons.

One more thing. I'm splitting this up into two groups. The writers could either go awesome with this and make really intense dramatic choices, or they could cop-out. The show varies in quality enough for me to think they could go either way, so...

FINAL FOUR: AWESOME EDITION

Billy
Why It's Awesome:
We'd have Billy back! And Roslin would totally lose her shit!
Why It's Possible:
The show is in dire need of a male cylon who isn't physically repulsive, at least when compared to the ladybots. Billy isn't exactly GQ cover boy material, but he's sort of cute and he certainly seduced and destroyed Duella (and Roslin, in a less sexy way).

Tigh
Why it's Awesome:
What sort of Cylon God would build a model so full of grossness and hate? Tigh is already nuts and ready to die, if he found out he was a Cylon he'd snap for sure and I'd love to see that.
Why It's Possible:
There was all that weirdness in his past with Adama, getting fired from the military or whatever happened behind the Scary Door...I was never satisfied with the non-explanation as to what was such a big deal, and why it warranted a million dramatic flashbacks.

Cally
Why It's Awesome:
Cally is one of the worst most boring characters on the show (and that is SAYING something), having her be a Cylon would totally spice up her life.
Why It's Possible:
Well, she loves her man! That's a very Cylon thing to do.

Anders
Why It's Awesome:
It's actually not that awesome, but he's the only other character I could think of that wouldn't be OBJECTIONABLE as a Cylon.
Why It's Possible:
Again, the cylons need a hot guy model, and he would definitely fit the bill. Also, what has Anders done for humans, REALLY? That guerrilla fighting stuff didn't seem to get us much in the long run.

FINAL FOUR: LAME AND STUPID EDITION

Dualla
Why It's Lame:
Dualla is a weak character who has never done anything interesting on the show except fret over boys, which is in fact a very Cylon thing to do, but there are no interesting ramifications to her being a Cylon. I mean, Lee would be sad, but who cares?
Why It's Possible:
See above.

Gaeta
Why It's Lame:
Again, a boring personality-less character, who is just under the radar enough to be poised for a big "surprise!". WHO CARES? It's almost as if they created a character, and kept him from doing or saying anything too engaging just so they could make him a Cylon later and not have to deal with why he would have been programmed to do anything unique or interesting.
Why It's Possible:
I think Baltar pretty much told him he was a Cylon when Gaeta came to visit him in his cell, so yeah, I think this is a lock. Booring.


Tory Foster
Why It's Lame:
Who is this person? Have we met?
Why It's Possible:
She's close to the prez, and she's inconspicuous enough to avoid any sort of messy plotholes the writers could be looking to avoid. And if fans cry foul they can just say, "Look, she was here THE WHOLE TIME, okay?"

Doc Cottle
Why It's Lame:
Just a boring, unadventurous choice. Yes, he's been in a lot of episodes, but having him be a Cylon leaves zero emotional impact, and feels very mechanical (haw).
Why It's Possible:
It makes sense; why not have a Cylon on board as a doctor? He's probably been impregnating all the ladies on board with Cylon babies for the last 50 episodes.

Those are my picks! Now to watch the Season 3 Finale and see where the chips fall.
UPDATE:
I watched it! A little from column A, a little from column B. I was really hoping Chief wasn't going to be one, because they already teased us with that prospect back in the earlier seasons. It's s a bit anti-climactic to find out, "Yep, he was right the first time." Also, he was in love with Sharon! Cylons loving Clyons? That's just crazy. I'm really sad that Billy and Cally weren't in the Final Four, because A) Billy would have been such an incredible mindfrak and B) Now I have to deal with boring Cally for a whole 'nother season. Oh well. Season 4, ho!

3 comments:

Scott said...

Just you wait 'enry 'iggins. Just you wait. It gets even better (though the finale of Season 3 is one of the best episodes of anything ever).

Devin said...

Maybe you won't have to deal with Cally for that long... Oh shit!?!?!?

AHR said...

I will admit that the last 10 seconds of Season 3 were pretty F'in sweet.

And DEVIN what were you thinking, Spoilery McSpoilertron! Why are you such a Cylon all the time?!

That said, yay.