Angelina Jolie Gets Naked and Hooved for Beowulf

Update 9/5/07: With new trailers come new, naughtier, yet still unsatisfying Angelina nudie pics. Check out Geekanerd's latest Beowulf article here.

Beowulf, Robert Zemeckis' latest motion-captured CGI movie, is screening at Comic Con tonight and the LA Times has a first look at the flick which includes this poetic intro:

Angelina Jolie's lips look even fuller than usual. She's emerging naked from a pool of dank cave water, rivulets of gold streaming gently down her body.

"Giiiif meee sonnnn," she coos, in an Old English accent.

Her flaxen hair is braided down her back in a long tail that slowly undulates and slaps the dark pool around her. She continues to purr enticements about making babies as a virtual camera circles 360 degrees panning around her long limbs and waist. Gold dribbles down her inner thighs past her feet, revealing sharp stilettos merged with bestial hooves.

Angelina purring enticements about making babies... Shiver me timbers. Hit the jump for more from the article, including quotes from screenwriter Neil Gaiman, a picture of digital Anthony Hopkins as King of the Uncanny Valley, and a naked George McFly.


Well, there's no picture of a naked George McFly, but Crispin Glover is playing a scaled Grendel in the movie, so he'll be a part of this epic throwdown:

One of the film's pivotal fight scenes is when Beowulf battles Grendel in the nude, mano a beast-o. ("Bob asked if he had to be nude, but we said, 'It's in the poem,' " Gaiman explained.) So in a crafty bit of staging to allow a PG-13 rating, Beowulf's naughty bits are obfuscated by random objects in the foreground. It's more subtle and subdued, but shadows, swords, mead flagons and shoulders block all in a sequence not unlike the prankish cloaking device used in "Austin Powers" films.

How is this not going to be hilarious? A scaled Crispin Glover fighting naked with all-too-convenient cover-up? The audience will be cracking up! Comic Con is gonna laugh these jokers out of San Diego! At least Gaiman is interested in producing an unrated version without such silly tricks and with a lot more cursing. Anyway, I have serious doubts about the potential of this film, regardless of whose naughty bits we almost see. Look at this pic below:

Aaaah, don't they freak you out!? They're too real to work as sympathetic cartoons and too fake to work as sympathetic humans. How can we be expected to care for mannequins? That being said, I trust Neil Gaiman:

The writer admits he personally had his doubts about Zemeckis' ability to pull off "Beowulf" given the "horrid little rotoscope-y ghost people" in "Polar Express." Gaiman saw his first clips of the film last week and said he was convinced that Zemeckis, with his mocap filmmaking style and digital 3-D world, has made quantum advances in his unique filmic grammar since then.

Still not a shining endorsement, but... But nothing, this film is gonna suck. Right Neil?

Gaiman: "It was like watching the cast of 'Tron' performing bad Shakespeare in the round."

Zing!

Read the full article at the LA Times (requires free registration).
Via FilmWad.