Thursday night was going to be a big night for the G'nerd staff, as we had tickets for a midnight screening of Watchmen... Unfortunately, we all came down with a mysterious illness (possibly caused by a day spent trying to perfect our blue milk recipe) and had to send our new field correspondent, Doctor Octopus, in our stead. Here is his report.
"Greetings, nerds! This is Doc Ock, reporting live from a theater somewhere in Manhattan. You have fifteen minutes to find me or everyone in the building will die! Hah! I'm only joking! You are incapable of understanding my superior sarcasm skills!"
Continued after the jump...
"Who are these insignificant fools? Why are they in front of me in line? Don't they know I used Fandango?"
"These ignoramuses thinks it's cool to dress up like a runty, greasy, withdrawn psycopath who gets nervous around women. Someone should tell them their infantile game of dress up is an excercise in redundancy! Hah!""I'll take a box of Milk Duds, three bags of Sour Patch Kids, and all the Twizzlers you have, and I'm not paying for them, for with a mere thought I could CRUSH YOU with my super strong octopus arms! Hello? Why is there no one here?"
"WHAT!!? How DARE this decrepit establishment insult me so!?""I, the great Doctor Otto Gunther Octavius, DEMAND to be helped at the upper level concession stand! I will not lower myself (get it? Hah!) to use the 'main' stand! I am holding every one of these nerds hostage until I am... Ooh, they're letting us in!""Hah! Perfect center! Nailed it! No one has a better seat than Doctor Octopus! No one will witness this visionary adaptation of the greatest non-Doc Ock-starring comic book series of all time from a more advantageous position! NO ONE!""WHAT?!! Leather seats!? Who are these peasants feigning superiority to the greatest criminal mastermind of all time? This affront shall not stand!"[offscreen murder]"Ahh, I feel much better now. The lights are going down! WOOOOOO!" [Clap clap clank clap clank clank clap]
"My expert review: An admirable attempt at adaptation, though falls far short of other great comic book films, like Spider-Man 2. That effeminate imbecile Adrian Veidt, the laughably-labeled "smartest man in the world," hatched a plan that would have been amusingly adequate if not for the unfortunate side effect of establishing a lasting peace. And I really miss that beautiful squid monster. 2 out of 8 appendages up."
So that's the Doc's report... Um... We probably won't send him out on assignment in the future.