Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Stormtroopers Are Part of a Balanced Breakfast or: The Horrible Truth About Ewoks

No, this is not a real cereal, and yes, those are plastic Lego Star Wars stormtrooper heads. But if you put this in front of me on a Saturday morning, yes, I would still try to eat it.

On a related note, the sight of disembodied stormtrooper heads has made me realize something disturbing about the original trilogy:

I'm sure you recall the shot from the Return of the Jedi finale/Ewok Party Montage where an ewok is playing xylophone with a row of empty(?) stormtrooper helmets. While funny, I've always found this to be a discordantly morbid joke for this scene. I mean, it's all well and good to celebrate the defeat of your enemy, but defiling their corpses in such a zany way should probably fall under the New Republic's definition of war crimes.

Of course, it's not like our humanoid heroes who are responsible for this breach of the rules of engagement, it's those damn ewoks. This is what lifted the scales from my eyes and made me realize the horrible truth about what happened to the Imperial soldiers captured on Endor. For what did the ewoks do with Luke and Co when they captured them? They tied them up and got ready to cook them. I say, to cook them. Do you see where I'm going with this? The ewoks feast upon the flesh of their enemies. THEY EAT. PEOPLE. Jesus Christ. Those helmets are empty because the ewoks ate, THEY ATE, their P.O.W's! Look at that picture of the Stormtrooper Cereal again, and realize this is probably not far from what the ewoks were eating for several weeks after the Battle of Endor.

Thanks to Gnerd reader and food blogger Lena for the tip!
Via SeriousEats via Unique Daily.


Anonymous said...

Was it ever completely clear that they were going to EAT Luke, Han, etc? Clearly they were burning them to death. Was there any indication that they would consume the remains?

AHR said...

Yessir. I had to look it up myself, but I think this Threepio quote settles the matter:

"I'm rather embarrassed, General Solo, but it appears you are to be the main course at a banquet in my honor."

I think as children we all must have sort of glossed over the horror of the ewoks' eating habits. But as thinking adults, we must put away childish things and realize the true nature of these monsters.

Anonymous said...

Good research. I remember that line now. But isn't it possible that the Ewoks, like many early cultures, would eat their ENEMIES specifically? Not that that makes it MUCH better, but it is a little different.

Degan said...

None Of Your Are Even Addressing the REAL Issue Here! At the Rebel's celebratory We-Blew-Up-The-Death-Star-Again-Feast... all of our heroes were EATING the Ewoks' food! Put Down That Bowl Wedge! EWOK FOOD IS STORMTROOPERS! EWOK FOOD IS STORMTROOPERS!

Tom said...

I'd like to think that given the nature of the imperial storm trooper the the Ewoks would not eat them. Surely they know of the dangers presented by genetically modified food? Not to mention cloned food.