Friday, August 31, 2007
Amateur wrestling dips into the gaming gene pool to inspire some of its colorful personalities. Speaking of games and wrestling, does anyone know if they make good wrestling games any more? I haven't played one in ages, but Royal Rumble for the SNES was really one of my favorite games evRRR!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I've been playing this one for the past week and I must say, Quickling a damn fun one! You're some kind of weird goblin and it's your 113th birthday; to celebrate, you're invited to enter a portal to visit the human world. The catch is that you live in a world infested by faeries, who hate your kind, so it is hidden and dangerous to get there. Why is it so fun you ask? Firstly, the game design and art is beautiful. Secondly, the game play is amazing. The world consists of interspersed floating islands that you just to and from to get around. Your dude is super agile, so after a little getting used to, you'll find yourself moving around in the world like Spider-Man... it's that fun.
Strategies after the jump...
You don't actually have to land of the top of an island in order to not die. Just more or less get yourself to be able to touch it, then hold a direction on the keypad and your goblin will climb up it. Also, each weapon gives you a different range of attack, each being useful. When jumping around, don't think about what weapon to use. Instead, just hit all the buttons and all of them will go off at once.
Past Editions of Web Game of the Week
Hulk Smash Feelings of Self Doubt! - Avengers: The Initiative #5
Marvel's best book on the stands continues to deliver interesting character-driven action, but sags a bit under the weight of the Incredibly Angry Hulk. Isn't World War Hulk over yet? We already know he doesn't destroy the world. The sooner the Marvel Universe's heroes can get back to their own plotlines, the better.
This issue is about Trauma, the omega level Initiative recruit with the Fallout Boy haircut. His "I Know What You're Afraid Of" power has provided a lot of insight into some of our favorite Marvel Characters over the last several issues (Henry Pym's fear of being forever remembered as a wife-beater just because of some damn thing that happened in an ULTIMATES BOOK for godsake was particularly fun), and here's the moment we've all been waiting for - Trauma vs The Hulk. What's the Green Guy really afraid of? To me, the answer is a let-down. To others, including serious Hulk fans, it may be the only acceptable answer.
In the build-up to the big showdown, we meet some new Black Ops Initiative recruits, all of whom are very elite and top secret, but who do not come equipped with interesting personalities. This makes for some very bland team-building sequences, with only a particularly insufferable H.P Gyrich to keep us awake.
Dan Slott has set the bar on this book very high, and the quality of the art and writing is still beyond most mainstream books. But the issue feels too thin without a central focus on the Teen Team that Slott done such a great job developing.
Spotlight on Trauma - Who Are These Old Guys? + Hardball is Still a Dick = B-
Teen Titans, Hack/Slash, and The Four Horsemen after the jump...
You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello - Teen Titans #50
At last, a proper farewell to Bart Allen. His funeral in Countdown was a a pretty dry affair (and attended by some less than well-behaved guests), but here the Titans remember Bart on a more personal level, complete with multi-artist flashbacks. Whether you're a long-time Impulse fan or have only a casual knowledge of the littlest Flash, you get an acute sense of what he meant to the team. Luckily it's not all boo-hoos, we get some refreshing cynicism from Ravager (/crush) and a predictably ill-concieved attempt at emotional counseling by Martian Manhuntgirl.
The flashbacks weave into the story with ease, and peak with a stand-alone interlude about Wally West by George Perez. The only misstep is an off-putting section in the middle which features seven pages from last week's Blue Beetle, redrawn by Randy Green. Granted, it's kind of neat to see the same scene re-interpreted by a new artist, but what's really jarring are several minor but significant changes in the dialogue. In Blue Beetle #18, Robin was perfectly chummy in suggesting Beetle train with the Titans, but here he pulls out some Bat-Daddy style browbeating. Wha happa? Was there a change in the script between the two book's printing dates, or did the TT editing crew change John Rogers' script to suit their own story purposes? The change isn't bad, but which version is cannon? Can we blame this continuity glitch on Superboy, or is it Mister Mind's fault now?
A Fond Farewell + Diverse Art + Mourning Mishaps - Repackaged Beetle = B
Bang Bang Rock 'n' Roll - Hack/Slash #4
Like books where hot chicks kill monsters? Pick up this book. Hate books where hot chicks kill monsters? You'll probably still like it, because it's just that good. Hack/Slash has a winning high concept - a victim of a Freddie-style slasher becomes a vigilante out to kill serial killers; it goes without saying she's a hot chick and has a hulking brute-force sidekick. But while the series has delivers plenty of pulp slasher thrills, the protagonists turn out to be two of the most surprising characters you're likely to find in mainstream comics.
This issue is the last in the series' first arc, and it's satisfying in the way only a baddie-busting vigilante comic can be. The villains of this storyline have been a bunch of spoiled, rock star devil worshippers, and it's very nice to see them get what's coming to them. New readers should probably wait for the trade, or hell, go pick up the first four issues. They're worth it.
Scary Monsters + Tough Ladies + Satisfying Finale = A-
So Much For Escapism - The Four Horsemen #1
Say what you will about Countdown, at least it's made us all appreciate 52 a little more. 52 could be over-the-top and messy even for an event book, but it was rarely boring. Take the Four Horsemen storyline - living embodiments of Famine, Death, War and Pestilence created by the DCU's finest mad scientists. Why? Because a giant Asian Egg Monster told them to. This is the sort of thing you just don't get from Marvel. And now The Four Horsemen have a book all to themselves, with the Big Three for protagonists. All signs point to yes.
Or not. Perhaps my expectations were colored by how much I've been enjoying writer Adam Beechen's rollicking run on Robin. There's no fun to be had here, as the plot deals with aftermath of the genocidal destruction of the DC nation of Bialyia, perpetrated by Black Adam in one of the more cringe-worthy plot threads of 52. Given the real life genocides and ethnic cleansing happening around the world right now, the mood of this comic is understandably dire. But nothing meaningful is said about the relief effort this comic uses as a plot device, nor does Beechen bring anything new to the question of what the role of the Superhero is in times of mass destruction. At one point, Bialiya's leader asks why Superman and the Flash don't just circle the globe until they find the person responsible. Well? I wish these kinds of practical questions were answered, but they're not.
Oppressively Bleak Atmosphere - Lack of Insight + Veronica Cale Still on Oolong Island = C-
Geekanerd Salivates Over Karl's Teen Titans Cover
Geekanerd Waxes Poetic About His Panels From All-Flash #1
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
My Bond is an actual assassin; when he kills someone, he kills them with a knife, they're bloody and he pays a price. He denies that he pays a price, but he does. When he sees a woman who witnesses something horrific, and he sees her taking a shower, he doesn't just go in there and fuck her, like the old Bond would have done. He sits there with her, and she says, 'I can't get this blood from my fingernails.' So he helps her get the blood from her fingernails; that's what he does, that's my Bond.This is why the ladies loved Casino Royale. Well, it might also have been all that hunky man meat Daniel Craig was packin'.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Having parted ways with DC over the eyebrow-raising content in The Boys, writer Garth Ennis will be working with Virgin Comics on a new series that re-imagines a classic character that Ennis calls the British equivalent of "...Captain America, our Superman, our Batman; he's all of them rolled into one."
Who could it be? Click the jump and end the suspense!
That's right kids, Dan Dare! Originally a 1950s British comic book hero, Dare was a dashing space-pilot in the far-flung future of the 1990s. And if Monty Python's fixation with Biggles taught me anything, it's that Brits love their pilots. World II R.A.F glory and all that, wot. Dare was kept alive over the last five decades in U.K video games, comic books, and TV series, but until now has never really made it across the pond.
Variety describes the plot of the new Ennis series:
"New books will have Dare emerge from a self-imposed exile, the result of his disgust with politics and the post-nuclear warfare that has destroyed North America and much of Asia -- leaving the U.K. as the world's last remaining superpower."
Interestingly enough, the excellent Children of Men also had a post-nuclear holocaust scenario where the U.K was the only superpower left standing. Must suck to lose an Empire.
With Garth Ennis at the helm, you might expect this re-envisioned Dan Dare series to amp up the hewn-limb and disturbing sex content. However, a Gnerd source tells us this is a particularly important project for Ennis, and one he's wanted to do for a long time. Perhaps we'll see a take on the series that might surprise thoes who think they have Ennis' writing style Simon Pegged. As a fan of both Ennis and several Virgin Comics titles (Walk-In was one of the best books around during it's sadly short run), I'll be looking forward to meeting Mr. Dare for the first time.
Via Variety and Cinematical.
If'n you don't know by now, the fine
You know, it's been a long time since I've played a non-swords and sorcery RPG (the original Fallout was probably the last), so I'm pretty pumped about the Lovecraftian 20's setting displayed here.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Amy Winehouse – “You know I’m no good”
Avril Lavigne – “I’m With You”
Beck – “Jackass”
Blind Melon – “No rain”
Bob Marley – “No woman no cry”
Bob Dylan – “Like a rolling stone”
Cheap Trick – “Surrender”
Coldplay – “Yellow”
Death Cab for Cutie – “I will follow you into the dark”
Jackson 5 – “Never can say goodbye”
James Taylor – “How sweet it is to be loved by you”
Janis Joplin – “Me and Bobby McGee”
Johnny Cash – “I Forgot More Than You’ll Ever Know”
Marvin Gaye – “What’s going on?”
Nirvana – “The man who sold the world”
Rascal Flatts – “Life is a Highway”
The Fray – “Over my head”
I really do believe A.D is destined to be one of the great nonfiction comics, and should grab anyone who saw the greatest natural disaster of our time unfold two years ago. For all of us who were stunned by the images on TV during those long days, A.D. offers a chance to understand the larger-than-life events on an individual level. I'm sure we'll be hearing more about it in the next several months.
Related: Geekanerd's Coverage of the Chapter Five release.
Via Newsarama and Smith Magazine.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Yay! According to Variety, everyone's favorite 90's pseudo-sport is getting pulled back into production at NBC. They claim it's going to be more character-driven this time out. I assume that means more reality show-style confessional cams and b-roll of the contestants unpacking groceries with their families. As long as they keep the tennis ball cannons I'll be a happy happy boy.
Friday, August 24, 2007
No Comment Award - Batman/Lobo: Deadly Serious #1
If our heroes our gonna spend their time together engaging in sexual deviancy, we're going to have to take their crossover privileges away...
Clones, Whitey, Beatdowns and more after the jump!
Coolest New Character - Conall the Beetle, Mouse Guard 1152 #1
Learning how the pseudo-feudal world of Mouse Guard works is one of the most intriguing aspects of the book. Last series we learned that the mice use bees like attack dogs, and now we find that beetles can be kept as pets. Awesome! A look at the official Mouse Guard site reveals that this 5-legged fella has both a name and a sad but sweet back story. Petersen obviously likes the little guy, as Conall injects a bit of humor into the above scene by chewing on one of the little Mouse-Stratego figurines.
NAACP's Exhibit A - The Spirit #9
Old Whitey cheating the Black Man out of what's his.
Attack of the Clones Alert - Blue Beetle #17
AHH! POD PEOPLE! Oh, wait, nevermind - it's just the Teen Titans. I realize that Tim Drake and Jaimie are the same age and have somewhat similar haircuts, but look at that panel - they have the same face! Not to mention the fact that Wonder Girl, Supergirl, and Martian Manhuntgirl look like the freakin' Stepford Cuckoos back there. Oy!
The Disney Silly Villain Stamp - Halo: Uprising #1
I cry a little when villains are reduced to comic relief. As I mentioned in my review of this book, I'm not a big Halo player, but... I'm pretty sure the Covenant soldiers don't talk like Homer Simpson.
Best Visual Framing Device - Batman #668
J.H Williams III takes the prize again! This Black Glove Panel vs Bat Panel is so cool and surprising, it makes up for the somewhat confusing sequence of action going on within the panels. Art is not always about functionality, people! The Black Glove is of course the name of the mysterious villain in the current Batman storyline, and this extraordinary splash page makes it clear he's got the, ahem, upper hand.
The James Gorden Sneak 'N' Scare Award - Batman #668
That's some good sneaking, Batman. Bat-Cyclops betta recognize.
Best Calm Before the Storm - In Her Darkest Hour and Mouse Guard: 1152 #1
Two graceful sequences that lull the reader into a sense of calm with their tranquil beauty, only to amp up the action a few panels later. Very well done.
Best Movie Magic - In Her Darkest Hour
Newly discovered artist Fernanda Chiella shows off quite a bag of visual tricks throughout her first published comic, including some nice nice selective-focus panels that mimic the ever popular rack-focus effect in movies.
Beatdown of the Week - Thunderbolts #116
Yoish, this is grisly. Sure, Hellrazor was a little out of line with all his "kid-killer" digs at Penance, but did he really deserve to have his jaw punched off?
Related: More of Geekanerd's Panel Discussions
This is the follow-up to the Halo short "Arms Race," which you can see after the jump. I like this one better than the first, because there's actually some shit going down and it doesn't look as CGy. Director Neill Blomkampt has always been good at making the out-of-this-world seem very real (check out his previous work, also after the jump) and this Halo stuff certainly continues that rep.
Hit the jump for the aforementioned vids...
Tetra Vaal, his first work that caught the world's eye:
Alive in Joburg is also a great Blomkampt short:
And of course, the first Halo short, "Arms Race":
Friday, August 24
- Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
- Dusk @ Hudson River Park's Pier 46, Manhattan
Saturday, August 25
praise from all over. Their salty show should get you in the spirit for International Talk Like a Pirate Day, which will be here before you know it.
Sunday, August 26
- STREET FIGHT! - The Street Fighter II Challenge
- 9pm @ Rope Bar, 415 Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Snap Judgements - Halo: Uprising, Mouse Guard: Winter 1152, Blue Beetle, Thunderbolts, Batman/Lobo: Deadly Serious
First, a Geekanerd confession. I've only played Halo once, for fifteen minutes, and I sucked at it. So I'm not sure exactly what was running through my head when I picked this book up. Well, I do know what was running through my head: "Either this will be great because it's Bendis/Maleev, who are a great team, or it will suck which won't be so bad because then I get to tell all those Xbiotches their precious series sucks Covenant Needlers." Well, I don't get to say anything to the Xboxers because their series has made its second transformation to the comic book format quite well.
The first issue is bookended with some slightly stale Master Chief action (Maleev has always been better with mood than with action), but the gooey center follows a hotel concierge and a hotel guest escaping from the alien invasion. The writing really reminded me of Bendis' old crime fiction stuff, like Goldfish or some of his short work for Negative Burn. There's a down on his luck nobody who's gotta step up and be somebody, and he's mixing it up with a sexy lady who can handle a gun. Except this time there's Covenant soldiers instead of hackney mobster types. And just when you start to think that the poor bastard is out of his element and should just hide under a table, it becomes apparent that he's about to get a lot more pivotal in the whole dealy-o.
That all being said, it's still a comic book based on a first person shooter, and that can't be good, right?
Great Characters + Bendis in Top Form - Some Silly Covenant Jokes = A-
Mouse Guard: Winter 1152 #1, Blue Beetle #18, Thunderbolts #116, and Batman/Lobo: Deadly Serious #1 after the jump...
Mice-i-cles - Mouse Guard: Winter 1152 #1
Well, it's finally here - the second series of the little book that blew everyone away with its artistry, its epic action, and of course its formidable cuteness factor. Mice with swords! What's not to like? The beginning of the Guard's winter storyline takes a slow approach - after a minor scuffle with a predator, heavy-hitter Saxon remarks, "No swordplay?" Readers may share his disappointment, although that's not so say this book doesn't deliver on the other fronts that made his title so highly regarded.
We join the characters immersed in a bitter winter, and Petersen's familiar small-scale woodland is now rendered in white, purple and blue. A sunrise towards the end of the issue is the visual high point; the sun shines through the frozen thicket in thin splashes of orange, the contrast against the snow is masterful. The scenes featuring the familiar guardsmice works better than the expositionary conversation delivered by the governing characters, but small touches (such seeing the mice keep beetles as trained pets) make every scene worth a second reading. The issue ends with a bang, and indicates why Petersen has frequently referred this second series as a "survival story". It's gonna be a long winter.
Beautiful Snowscapes + An Expanding Universe - A Slightly Slow Start = B+
In With The In-Crowd - Blue Beetle #18
Writer John Rogers is the best at what he does. And what he does is write quickly-paced comics packed with snappy teen dialogue that should impress even the most discriminating Whedon fan. In Blue Beetle #18, Rogers gets to introduce his greenhorn hero to the popular kids - the Teen Titans. Rogers' take on Robin & Co has them sounding smarter and more distinctive than they do on the pages of their own book, and the dynamic between the hardcore Titan heroes and the easily overwhelmed Beetle Bunch offers up more than it's fair share of LOLs.
The story sticks to the standard team-up format - first the heroes fight each other (Jaimie doesn't recognize the Teen Titans?! They live like four states away from Texas!) , then they band together to fight a big baddie. The bad guy is pretty much inconsequential, since the story is in the team-up. Unfortunately, the bad guy is Lobo, and Fans of the Man may be disappointed to see his antics are upstaged by the wonderful chemistry between the two bands of very different heroes. Jaimie and his friends look at the Titans with outsider's eyes, and can't resist asking a few very meta questions, such as why Supergirl would choose to fly around in a skirt.
The only thing that keeps this ish from getting a full fledged A+ is the first few pages. Drawn by David Baldeon and San Davis, the art suffers from a serious case of clonitis - you'd think that between two artists they'd be able to give each character a different face, but sadly it didn't work out that way. Still, this is just an early bump in the road on a trip to Funsville.
Cracklin' Dialogue - Tim Drake and Jaime Are Twins + Mexican Space Launch = A
It's Not Easy Being Mean - Thunderbolts #116
Yaawn. It seems like this book is only exciting every other issue. Last week we saw an amazing fight where Venom ate someone's arm and Bullseye got his ass handed to him. This week we just get some leftover, heated-up plot rehash. Artist Mike Deodato Jr. makes an admirable attempt to distract from the tedium by constantly drawing Moonstone in a sultry close-up, but that doesn't change the fact that all these conversations in Osbourne's office are boring. Or maybe it changes the fact a little. But not enough.
Speedball fans may be interested/horrified to see how low the former hero has been brought, and he has the issue's "big moment" - but even that seems like a lot of noise without much punch. The only part of this book that really got my attention was a surprisingly angsty Venom - nothing brings on the existential torment like the realizing everyone now thinks of you as a cannibalistic space monster.
Office Conversation - Sound and Fury Signifying Nothing + Venom Angst = C
The Title Is So Bad - Batman/Lobo: Deadly Serious #1
Ask me if I love Lobo...
Yes! I adore Lobo, thanks for asking!
Ask me what my favorite Lobo story is...
Lobo's Back! Thanks for asking!
Ask me what my least favorite Lobo story is...
Any of the one-trillion crossover stories that all suck because every single one of them [that I've ever read -ed.] loses sight of the absurdity that makes Lobo a fun character. I'll even go one step further and say that if Keith Giffen ain't writin' it and Simon Bisley ain't drawin' it then it's taking place in the normal DC Universe and it isn't worth reading. Lobo's world is pulsating and alive and disgusting and perverse and violent and colorful. The DC Universe is... Well, it is what it is. Part of what makes Lobo Lobo is he truly is The Main Man of his universe. Everyone cowers in fear from the notorious bastich, and those that don't soon get their insides fed to them. Thanks for asking!
Now, after years of pretending the character was dead to me, I allowed myself to hope that Sam Keith could capture Lobo as well as the Holy Giffen/Bisley team. And he does! Visually. In other respects, not so much. As I mentioned before, the trouble with a Lobo/Superhero crossover story is that they come from two different worlds and it's very hard to be true to both. This story has Batman being his moody self but also trying to be a little silly, and Lobo being his silly self but also trying to be a little moody. The result is a muddy middleground where nobody's anything. Least of all interesting. Which is a goddamn shame because this book looks SO GOOD! Keith has the cartoony grit that Lobo's world demands, and there are some truly killer pages in here.
Thrilling Keith Art - Underwhelming Keith Story - Not My Lobo = C+
Sometimes villains are ill-depicted. In 1991 the softer side of the Tazmanian Devil was shown in Taz-Mania. 2003's The Fog Of War allowed Robert S. McNamara to have his say on life, business and the Vietnam War. In 1982 Nintendo showed to be bipartisan in the Donkey Kong/Mario dispute by making Donkey Kong Jr. Finally, in 1979, a small space ship was attacked by gigantic rocks in Asteroids; 28 years later those rocks were vindicated and Asteroids Revenge III was made.
"For hundreds of years humans have destroyed asteroids. It wasn't personal... it was just business. One day an asteroid woke up and saw the destruction..." So begins the techno beat induced epic retaliation of asteroids to the humans. Your goal is to build up an army of ally rocks to battle the mother ship and to buy enough time as possible to let your friends escape the onslaught of the human forces. While the controls initially seem cumbersome and slightly counter-intuitive (they're explained throughout the game), the game itself is rather easy. Just follow the instructions and you'll have a blast.
Strategy: Having as many allies as possible is essential, however, never neglect getting armor, speed, and spin. The C key is your friend.
Want more? Past Editions of Web Game of the Week
A promotion for the Bionic Woman series coming to NBC, this Bionic Assessment Test consists of four different trials that measure your reflexes and cognitive abilities in an effort to see what percent bionic you are. You should know that my score above was achieved while my girlfriend was trying to talk to me about drapes for our apartment and having dinner with her friends tonight. So factor that in. Go take it yourself and report your better-than-albo scores in the comments.
I recently got the Morrison New X-Men Omnibus. I had all the single issues, but it’s great to have them all in one place. This is how nerdy I am – I’ve got all four Flex Mentallo issues…hard copy. No Internet for me! That’s like the coolest thing in my collection, along with my complete run of Miracleman. That one took a while – the last six issues were impossible to find. It took me years on eBay – issue #15, the one with Kid Miracleman, that cost me like $80, but it was worth it. It was a CGC copy that I took out of the case.Wowee! Go to Newsarama for the full interview and be awed by his great taste in current comics, and also check out our past "...Is a Geekanerd" segments.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
My favorite game that seems like it'll never come out has a new trailer to tease me with. If you're aren't in the know, Spore is a game by Will Wright (the fella behind Sim City, The Sims, yadda yadda) which has you starting as a single-celled organism and evolving all the way to a planet-hopping super race. Along the way you are in complete control of how your creature develops and what sort of architecture and vehicles your society creates. Oh, and once you design spaceships and visit other planets (and take them over or befriend them or DESTROY THEM) they will be populated by creatures and societies that other players of Spore have created (it uploads your game data to some central server automatically). Pretty wild, yeah? My description doesn't do it near enough justice, and neither does this trailer.
For an in-depth glimpse of why Spore will blow your mind, hit the jump and prepare to be awed.
Read the full statement from Lexus after the jump.
Lexus brings Virtual Open to Rockefeller Center New Yorkers can participate in ultimate tennis experience for chance to win a one-year lease on a new Lexus IS F NEW YORK --As the world's professional tennis players vie for greatness at the US Open, New Yorkers will have the opportunity to share the experience at the Lexus Virtual Open at Rockefeller Center during the second week of the tournament. Participants can compete on a scaled down version of a tennis court for the chance to win a one-year lease on a new Lexus IS F and tickets to the US Open finals.
Tennis and gaming enthusiasts will take to the virtual courts at Rockefeller Center, in the heart of New York City, from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., Sept. 4-6. Professional tennis player and ESPN on-court analyst Luke Jensen will instruct participants and provide commentary as they compete on Nintendo's Wii console. For each serve hit during the virtual tournament, Lexus will donate $1 to the Andy Roddick Foundation (up to $30,000).
"As a sponsor of the US Open we created this event to bring the excitement of Flushing Meadows to Manhattan," said Steve Jett, Lexus national marketing communications manager. "There's nothing like the thrill of competing in the US Open, and while tennis enthusiasts may never experience the roar of the crowd and feel the courts beneath their feet, the Lexus Virtual Open at Rockefeller Center gives them the opportunity to get a taste of it--and win a one-year lease on a new IS F performance sedan, the same vehicle Lexus is awarding to the Men's Singles Champion."
The top two scorers will compete on Sept. 6 for the chance to win the grand prize, a one- year lease on a Lexus IS F and two tickets to watch the US Open finals in the Lexus Luxury Suite on Sunday, Sept. 9. The runner up will receive two tickets to watch the US Open semi-finals on Sept. 8 in the Lexus Luxury Suite.
The event is open to the public. For more information about the Lexus Virtual Open at Rockefeller Center, participants can log on to myownpursuit.com.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Always on the forefront of popular culture, the good old New York Times uses a still from Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 for their article about recent failed attempts to regulate video game violence. So all you time-travelers from 1995 can breathe a sigh of relief.
Hey there fellows and fellowettes! Today we’re going to talk a little bit about the many things I learned about nerds/geeks from the movies. And by many things, I mean ten. Ten things that I learned about geeks/nerds from the cinema, and the accuracy with which these ten qualities actually apply to real life geeks/nerds. So here they are, in no particular order after the jump:
1. All nerds are sexual deviants/perverts
Accuracy: Probably about 40-50% true
Okay so not all of us are sexually deviant, but I will concede that a large portion of the nerd community consists of teenage boys. And teenage boys are, by default, perverted sexual deviants. From Anthony Michael Hall’s prestigious panty presentation in “16 Candles,” to the panty raid/hidden cameras of “Revenge of the Nerds,” to the dominating antics of Alyson Hannigan in “American Pie,” to the bestiality scene in “Weird Science” (I may be misremembering that last one…) nerds are generally depicted as having an overwhelming sex drive and the desire to hump on just about anything. Now most nerds I’ve met have an average sex drive and no one has ever come out as being a secret fan of German Scat videos or anything, but I can't vouch for the entire community...
2. If we get drunk, we are by default the coolest person at the party
Accuracy: about 0%
There is no doubt that if you are a geek when you enter the party, drinking 7 beers will turn you into – a drunk geek. No geek’s charm has grown magically out of the bottle, unfortunately. Unlike Charlie Korsmo in “Can’t Hardly Wait” or Jonah Hill in “Superbad,” generally you will not find that getting drunk suddenly makes you seem to be a wild and crazy guy that people actually want to hang out with. You may however, find that you are that wobbly and pukey dude that everyone stays away from because he can’t tell that he’s yelling when he tries to talk to you about Blizzard’s next big release.
3. Hot chicks LOVE us
So apparently, according to movies, hot chicks love nerds, just not right away. There’s something about us that just wins them over eventually. Basically all of the characters in “Superbad” become the apple of a lady’s eye. "Revenge of the Nerds" has a classic scene (albeit basically of rape) where the hot girl falls for the nerd. “American Pie” has Finch and Stiffler’s mom, “Spiderman” has MJ and Peter Parker (it still counts even though it was a comic first), and Anthony Michael Hall and the cheerleader in “16 Candles.” Sure some people really dig that you can name over 100 characters to appear as members of one of the various X-teams, but chances are you aren’t going to be picking up all the lovelies with that info. I know nerds with hot significant others, so I won’t discount this, but let’s be honest, it’s gonna be a rare time when you hear the words “Wow, I never knew I could get so turned on listening to Star Wars trivia!”
4. We are all guys
Well following that last one, about 95% of the time in movies, nerds, and even moreso, groups of nerds are all men or boys. I have no official tally or percentage of how many female nerds we have out there, but I can tell you there are quite a few. SOMEONE has to be dressing up as Padme and Leia (just kidding ladies). Unfortunately, very few films (“Welcome to the Dollhouse,” “Mean Girls” – Lohan was a nerd to start out with in the movie remember – or perhaps “Sorority Boys”) portray women in the nerd role. I say unfortunately because of the lack of representation, but maybe the ladies are just fine with not having as many examples of how they could be mocked stuck up on screen. Anyway, giving this a 50% accuracy, since yes there are fewer female nerds than there are male ones, but there are a lot more than are portrayed in movies, just ask AHR!
5. Nerds are scared of drugs
While “The Breakfast Club,” “RotN,” and other movies might give you the impression that nerds on average have never seen a drug, plenty of nerds take a toke now and again. The only reason many start later in life is a lack of friends to supply or an extreme fear of humiliating themselves. As with booze, nerds don’t particularly become any cooler using any other drugs. People didn’t care if Hulk could beat up the Emperor before they were high, and they still don’t after. There are a good chunk that are quite clean and want to ensure a high gpa, which is why I left the accuracy a bit higher than not.
6. We are awesome at sex
Truth level: 60%
“Revenge of the Nerds” and “American Pie” would have us believe that we are Gods among men when it comes to coitus. As Louis says in “RotN,” “All jocks ever think about is football. All nerds ever think about is sex.” I doubt that the average nerd is going to be a far superior lover to anyone else, however I will say that if not struggling with crippling social awkwardness and Cheeto hands, Geeks can get girls, and they are REALLY happy to have them, so they’ll go the extra mile. (While we at GAN do not condone Lewis' actions in "Revenge of the Nerds," we do condone dressing up like Darth Vader for sex.)
7. We’re all brilliant
While “Weird Science” and “Real Genius” really pushed the idea of nerds as super geniuses (not to mention “RotN,” wasn’t there a guy who built a robot servant in that one?) I can say that not everyone who has a box at their local comic shop and a couple Magic: The Gathering starter decks can build a laser out of things they found in their mom’s bathroom. Then again, sometimes you find yourself at home with your roommates having a contest to see who can name the most American presidents, and you realize that, yes, often being a nerd still includes having a hard-on for academia.
8. For every three nerds that congregate, at least one must wear glasses
Anytime more than 2 nerds are present on screen, glasses must be worn by at least one of the nerds. This applies to all nerd movies, tv shows, commercial appearances, and probably life. I want you to call up two nerd friends tonight to hang out, and if none of you are wearing corrective lenses, either stumbling hilarity will ensue, or you aren’t real nerds. We’ll need to ask you to leave now, this site is for the hardcore geeks.
9. Black people LOVE us
Man when the white nerdy guy (Asian-Americans also apply) has a beer or smokes a bit and relaxes, black people just can’t get enough of him. At first he seemed uptight and probably afraid, but once we cut away from him for a couple moments, we return to find that he has won over the black guys, because he’s really a cool dude who “gets” them. It really helps if you try to "talk black" as well. This has happened to a couple movie nerds, including Anthony Michael Hall and the boys in “RotN.” Actually, come to think of it, it’s not even just black people that love us in movies, bikers, gang members, cops, really anyone “badass” will love us when we cut loose and relax. Just go with the flow man, chill out, and if that doesn’t work, you can always dance on the bar in platforms to The Champs’ “Tequila!” (Scored at 50% because while this is in no way accurate or an advisable way to interact with people, there really are a bunch of nerd-loving black dudes, but those dudes are also nerds.)
10. We all love Star Wars or Star Trek
This is completely true. When you enter middle school with your official designation as a nerd you are required to choose a side and vehemently deny the legitimacy of the opposing faction. The only exception to this rule being that you were raised on Ren Faires and exclusively enjoy fiction by George RR Martin and movies about Hobbits.
So that’s it! Everything I learned about nerds from movies, or at least 10 things. All of this information is 100% accurate and true and should be used to guide yourself in daily life. See you next week with another exciting update!